


I Miss What We Had (I Need You So Badly)

by mihomi98



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: And More Angst, Angst, Asexual Rey (Star Wars), Breaking Up & Making Up, Drinking, Finn is clueless, Gay Male Character, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, jessika is sick of poe's bullshit, poe is hopelessly in love, space boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 09:25:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6278878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mihomi98/pseuds/mihomi98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe Dameron thought that he could let Finn go when Finn left on a six-month mission with Luke and Rey. When Finn comes back to D'Qar, however, Poe realizes that he might not be as over Finn as he thought. </p><p>Based on the Smoking Popes's song "Pretty Pathetic."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Miss What We Had (I Need You So Badly)

**Author's Note:**

> In case you are wondering about the song--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7q3adgPQkQ

It had been six months, three days, and twenty-one hours since Finn had left D’Qar to go on a mission with Rey and Luke, and nearly two weeks since he had gotten back. At first, Poe had been enthusiastic to see the ex-Storm Trooper again, but after much deliberation (and a few sleepless nights), Poe decided that he’d rather have nothing to do with him than put himself through the hurt and heartbreak of trying to be Finn’s friend. It had been lucky, really, that Poe had been too busy with doing things around base to seek out the man any sooner

Now, if it had been a year earlier, Poe would have been more than thrilled to run back to Finn and pull him into his arms, to tell him how much he missed him and how thrilled he was than the man was back home. He couldn’t do that anymore, though. Not after the way that they had left things.

It had all started on a Saturday night, a few weeks after Finn had woken up from his coma and his spine had healed from where Kylo Ren’s lightsaber had sliced clear through the skin and bones. Poe and Finn spent nearly all their time together, and Poe found himself developing quite the crush on his newest friend. Finn, apparently, felt it, too. They had spent the evening watching holovideos with Snap and Jessika in the latter pilot’s quarters, sprawled out on the same sofa and slowly creeping towards one another as the films went on. When they called it a night and headed back to their rooms, Finn decided to be ballsy and shoved Poe against the inside of their door, pressing his lips to Poe’s and letting his hands wander around the pilot’s body.

They had sex for the first time that very night, and talked about what it meant to each of them the next morning. They made the decision to become a couple, and for eight blissful months, Poe had everything that he had ever dreamed about having in a relationship.

And then Rey had come back.

Poe knew that she was coming back with Luke Skywalker, and he knew that Finn was excited to see her. He just didn’t expect that when the time finally came for the friend’s to reunite that Finn would blow off anything and everything that Poe had planned to do with him without a second thought, and that he would go so far as to leave Poe alone in their quarters for an entire month before coming back and apologizing, saying that he had just been so happy that Rey was back and that he had just been catching up with her, oh and that Luke thought that things with Rey would go better if Finn went with them with they were done on base.

Poe had listened with a heavy heart and clenched teeth, but as soon as Finn had told him that he had decide to go with Rey without even bothering to ask Poe how he felt about it, and that they were leaving the next morning, Poe lost it. He screamed at Finn, threw things at him and called him all sorts of names, his anger burning hotter and hotter with every argument that Finn through back in his direction. Finn yelled too, and things got worse and worse and worse until Poe finally snapped and stormed out of the room, screaming over his shoulder that he hoped that Finn had fun with his little Jedi-girlfriend, and that he wouldn’t be waiting for him when Finn came crawling back.

Poe did everything in his power to focus on that red-hot anger as he stormed through the halls, muttering to himself and clenching his hands into fists until he finally reached Jessika’s room, where he knew her and Snap were watching more holovids. They had invited him along initially, but Poe had made plans yet again with Finn, so he had declined. Now, though, he needed to scream at them, make him feel exactly what he was feeling for letting him get into a relationship like this when he told them that telling Finn how he felt about him would end up badly, and how this was all their fault, because if he hadn’t let his feelings get the best of him then he wouldn’t have fallen so kriffing deeply in love, and he wouldn’t have gotten his heart broken.

All of the words that Poe had been planning on saying slipped off his tongue when he walked through the door, and the moment that he opened his mouth to tell Snap and Jessika what happened, he was a goner, and he couldn’t help the broken sob that escaped him. He collapsed into Jessika's waiting arms, and spent the rest of the night alternating between feeling heartbreak and regret at the horrible things that he said.

Poe had thought when he heard that Finn, Rey, and Luke were coming back that he was done with all of the broken feelings inside of him, and that Finn and he could get back to at least being friends, but now, with the man actually on the same planet at him, he just wished that Finn had never come back.

As day fifteen of Finn being back rolled to a close, Poe found himself in Jessika’s room with a half-empty bottle of whiskey dangling from his hand and his head pillowed on her lap as he chugged another few mouthfuls of the amber liquid. “I hate him, Jess, I really kriffing do,” he muttered, his eyes drifting shut for a moment as started to run her fingers through his hair. “How can he just―” he hiccupped “―leave and c-come back with that girl on his arm.” He took another gulp, shaking his head. “The, the worst part is, I can’t even be mad at her because she’s so kriffing cool.”

He let out a groan and sat up, beginning to tip the bottle up again. Jessika was faster than his drunken movements, though, and reached out to yank the bottle out of his hands before he was able to get any more alcohol into his body. Poe turned to glare at her, crossing his arms over his chest and slumping down into the cushions like a petulant child.

Jessika sighed and put her hand on his knee, squeezing it lightly before she reached over her shoulder and pulled her dark braid to the front. “If you would just go and talk to him―”

“No.”

“Poe, I know that you think the world will end if you see him again, but kriff, Poe, it’s been six months, and you haven’t stopped pining after him since the moment that he left.” Poe started to protest, put Jessika placed a hand over his mouth to silence him. “Yes, you have. I was talking to Rey―” she rolled her eyes at the disgusted sound that Poe made at her friendship with the girl. “Get over it, Poe. Just like you said, she’s pretty kriffing cool. Anyway, she said that Finn’s been as mopey as your lazy ass. Just go talk to him.”

Poe jutted his lower lip out. “No.”

“Yes.”

“Tester, no!”

Jessika groaned. She stood up and pulled Poe up, handing him the whiskey bottle and pushing him in the direction of her doorway. “Fine, be miserable, but do it somewhere that isn’t my bedroom. All the crying and drinking is really killing my ferns.” She gestured to the thriving greenery in the corner of the room.

Poe crossed his arms again but did as he was asked, far too drunk and exhausted to really put up much of a fight. He staggered down the halls towards his own quarters, lifting the whiskey up to his lips every few steps that he took. He could feel himself steadily getting more drunk the longer that it took to get to his room (and it took a pretty damn long time, considering that he wasn’t paying any attention to where he was going), but before he knew it, he was reaching the door.

It wasn’t until he had typed in the key code and gotten rejected by the keypad that he realized that he was at Finn’s new quarters rather than his own.

He felt panic surge through him and he tried to turn on his heel and flee down the hall like a scared animal, but before he could, the door was sliding open and Finn was there in just a loose pair of pajama pants (an old pair of Poe’s, Poe’s mind vaguely alerted him), with a confused frown on his face. “Poe? What are you doing here?”

Poe swallowed thickly, his throat suddenly feeling dry and swollen as his eyes drifted down from Finn's face down to the tattoo he had on his chest of his serial number. _FN-2187_. It had been a spot that Poe had loved trail his lips along in the evenings when they had made love, and it took all of his remaining sobriety (as little as it was) not to lean forward and kiss the dark lines. “I, uhm ... ” he tried, lifting the whiskey back up to his lips and taking another swig.

Finn looked at the bottle and sighed, disappointment evident in his features. It made Poe feel like he was ten inches tall. He tightened his grip on the bottle and took a step back. He started to turn away and leave Finn alone in the hallway, but Finn was quicker than Poe, and he grabbed ahold of his hand to keep him in place.

“Poe, wait. I didn't mean it like I didn't want you here, I just meant― “ he trailed off, staring down at their joined hands an interlacing their fingers. He sighed again looking up at Poe again. “Just stay here for a little bit and talk to me, all right? Like we used to.”

Poe didn't say anything. He, too, looked down at their hands, and simply let himself be led into the room when Finn began to drag him. He clutched the whiskey bottle tighter as he sat down on the bed, nausea beginning to fill his stomach as he remembered the last time that he had been in the same room as Finn.

He really didn't know if he could stomach another rejection from Finn. It had hurt like hell for the first three months after Finn left with Rey, but at least then Poe didn't have to face the risk of running into Finn around base, or watch his relationship grow with Rey. He could pretend the something horrible had happened and that Finn wasn't coming back. He could pretend that he wasn't completely head-over-heels in love with him.

With Finn sitting only a few feet away from him, though . . . Poe had to face the facts. Somehow, even with Finn being gone and true relationship being over, Poe was more in love with the man than he had ever been. Being this close to him and not being able to hold him, kiss him, _love_ him was going to kill Poe, he was sure of it. There wasn't any way that he was going to make it through the night alive, not when Finn was wearing something of Poe's and looking like leaving had broken his heart, too.

“So . . . ” Finn murmured, balling up the black blanket on the bed in his fist and kneading the mattress with his knuckles. He ground his teeth and kept his eyes averted from Poe for several seconds before he finally looked up, his lower lip tight between his teeth as he said, “Did you miss me, at least?”

Poe's eyes widened. Where was the rejection? “What?”

Finn let go of the blanket and raised his hand to the back of his neck. He scratched it nervously before crossing his legs on the bed and looking up at Poe. He chewed on his lip for a moment before repeating his question. “When I was with Rey and Luke. Did you ever miss me?”

“Finn, I . . . ” Poe trailed off, the mixture of alcohol and shock rendering him unable to voice his thoughts. Had he missed Finn over the last six months? _Of course_ he had. What the hell kind of question was that?

Poe voiced that thought exactly. Finn's expression grew more and more nervous, and he went from fidgeting with the blanket and his hair to pacing around the room. He wrung out his hands and kicked at the corner of the bed, finally grabbing a shirt off a chair in the corner of the room and pulling it on before twisting the hem in his hands. The alcohol racing through Poe's bloodstream kept him from feeling too much of his own nerves, but even he was starting to feel overwhelmingly nervous just watching Finn take out his anxiety on the room.

Several minutes passed by before Finn spoke again. “It's just . . . when I left, you said that you wouldn't be waiting for me when I came back. I still don't understand why, because I thought that something like that would be important to you. I mean, yeah, Luke is an asshole, and Rey can be a bit hard to talk to at times, but it was worth it to get those six Storm Troopers to join the Resistence― “

 _That_ sobered Poe up, and he sat straight up. “Wait, what?” he interrupted, catching Finn as he made another round past the bed. He pulled Finn back down next to him, furrowing his brow in confusion. “Finn, you told me you were leaving so that Rey could focus better in her training.”

Finn raised an eyebrow and shook his head again. “No, I told you that Luke thought I'd be a good addition to him and Rey on their mission, and that we had to leave the next day so that we could sneak onto their base on Valcouvian during a 'delivery'. Remember? I barely got the words out before you were yelling at me and calling Rey my 'little Jedi girlfriend'.”

Sadness flickered in his eyes before Finn was able to put a mask over his emotions. Poe blinked at the change, trying to ignore the guilt swirling around his stomach. He recognized the closed-off expression that Finn was wearing. It was the same one that he got when they were talking about the First Order, or about the ways that Finn had been tortured as a child. Poe had swore to himself that Finn would never have anything that he felt the need to mask ever again, and here he was, learning that he had done exactly that.

He began to apologize, but before he could get the words out, Finn had continued with his tangent. “I don't even know why you'd say something like that when you know exactly how kriffing much I love you and how happy I was with our relationship. I don't get why you hate Rey, either; she thinks the world of you, other than for breaking my heart. Besides, Rey and I are _definitely_ not the right fit for each other, what with her not wanting anyone like that and me only liking men―”

Poe couldn't listen to another word. He closed the whiskey bottle and threw it over towards Finn's pillows before pulling the man down onto the bed and crawling on top of him, pressing his lips into Finn's with as much force and emotion as he could muster. Finn responded almost immediately, wrapping his arms around Poe's waist and pulling him even closer.

For several minutes the two men were wrapped around one another, connected from their lips down to their toes. Poe, surprisingly, was the first one to pull away. He rolled them over so that they were both lying on their sides. He pressed their foreheads together before giving him another gentle kiss. “I miss what we had,” he whispered, grabbing ahold of Finn's upper arms and digging his finger tips into his biceps. “I need you so badly, Finn. I love you more than anything.” He loosened his grip on Finn's arms so that he could wrap him up in a hug. “Please, Finn. Be mine again. I'm sorry I was such an idiot, I don't hate Rey, I promise, I love you, please, Finn, I kriffing love you―"

Finn cut Poe off with another kiss. “Poe, I've always been yours. Even when I was gone, I was telling everyone I met how lucky I am to be in love with _the_ Poe Dameron.” He adjusted their positions so that Poe was facing the other direction, his back pressed against Finn's strong chest. Finn kissed the back of his neck. “Now go to sleep, baby. We will talk more about this in the morning.”

“Okay.” Poe closed his eyes, and soon, the mixture of the alcohol still in his system and the relief of Finn still loving him putting him in a state of bliss that he had never experienced before. He couldn't help but wonder, though, as he drifted off to sleep, if any of this was an alcohol-induced hallucination or if him and Finn were real.

Weeks later, when Poe came home from his newest mission to the love of his life, he knew that 'real' barely scratched the surface of Finn and his relationship. They were everything, and they always would be.

Poe had found his place in the universe, and that place was in Finn's arms. It was better than chocolate, better than any of his friendships, hell, better than _flying_ , and there was nowhere else that he'd rather be.

He was home.

 


End file.
